im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
