So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
