my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize