Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
