She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
