this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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