I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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