My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The power of my boobs compel you
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
