Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
