I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
