You made me cry and you don't even care
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
