i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
