I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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