I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
