Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
