Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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