so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Everyone says I win the strip club
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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