how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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