I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
