There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I will pee on everything he values.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
