I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
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