Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
