omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
