Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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