good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
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There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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