I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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