But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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