please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
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I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
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I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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