A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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