There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
