I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
