So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
