i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
