When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
