We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
