i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
