OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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