seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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