my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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