I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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