Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
