I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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