It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
