Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Randomize
