I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
