im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
