even my farts smell like vagina
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
