Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
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Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
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Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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