so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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