I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
