in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
