Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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