I wish I could teleport
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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