I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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