you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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