Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
