I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
