so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
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It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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